How to Recognize Grooming

GROOMING is the term used to describe how pedophiles and sexual predators meet kids online and become friends. It is the process of manipulating kids they target with the goal of meeting offline for sex.

Methods of Grooming:

  • Flattery: predators will shower you with compliments and praise
  • Sympathy: predators will tell you they understand your problems and can help
  • Gifts: predators will send you gifts to win you over
  • Money: predators will offer money - who isn't interested in that?
  • Modeling Jobs: predators will offer to make you a model (taking your clothes off)

    • Predators are often clever and patient. They know that to win your trust takes time so they may take weeks or months with you using one or more of the above in the process of trying to groom you.

    Experts say the short-term goal of these manipulators is for the victim to feel loved or just comfortable enough to want to meet them in person, and these people know that sometimes takes time. Predators generally are grooming several victims at the same time trying to convince each one that they are special and "the only one."

    That's about as general as we can get, because grooming is carefully individualized. Groomers design what they say as they go along, tailoring their flattery or offers as they learn about the victim.

    Here are some tactics kids can watch out for (these are themes for which there are many variations, tell your kids):

  • "Let's go private." (leave the public chatroom and create a private chat or move to instant-messaging or phone texting)
  • "Where's your computer in the house?" (to see if parents might be around)
  • "Who's your favorite band? designer? film? gear?" (questions like these tell the groomer more about you so they know what gifts to offer - e.g., concert tickets; Webcam, software, clothes, CDs)
  • "I know someone who can get you a modeling job." (flattery, they figure, will get them everywhere)
  • "I know a way you can earn money fast." (one of the tactics that snagged Justin Berry, 13, into what became his Webcam prostitution business, reported by the New York Times)
  • "You seem sad. Tell me what's bothering you." (the sympathy schtick)
  • "What's your phone number?" (asking for personal info of any kind - usually happens at a later stage, after the target's feeling comfortable with the groomer - but all online kids know not to give out personal info online, right?!)
  • "If you don't… [do what I ask], I'll… [tell your parents OR share your photos in a photo blog / Webcam directory / file-sharing network]" (intimidation - used as the groomer learns more and more about the target)
  • "You are the love of my life." (what "Amy," 15, fell for before traveling out of state to meet someone who'd groomed her - see "Amy's Story" at Netsmartz.org)

    • Predators are experts in grooming kids to reveal their needs and desires and tailoring messages to those interests.